and then it happened...

suddenly as autumn turns to winter

the beautiful bright colors fade away again to grey

and sadly you know the weather has nothing to do with it

just the end of a beautiful trip

now one must return to the dreary dim that is his home.

good night again dear monsters.

collective waste-Every Time (cum2church)

San Francisco Pride 2010 { the documentary } from Ancient Astronaut on Vimeo.

This is a documentary that was filmed when I was in San Fransisco with some of my closest friends, and I helped out with this film. Sara Landas did a wonderful job in putting this whole thing together and you can visit her website at: http://www.saralandas.com/

Revelations, Robotic sanity - revolt

It felt like I was dying. But the feeling wasn’t something new. It’s something I’ve felt for as far back as I can remember but I’ve just grown used to it. And in those moments when I can’t breath and I feel life being pulled out of every atom that is mine, I start to analyze. And that’s the worst part, the analyzing. Because then it’s as if I’m narrating my own life, as if my life has already happened and I have already been defeated because there’s never anything that helps me. There’s never anything that makes me smile and stays. It all leaves just as quickly as it comes in and I’m left here a simple void, an empty shadow that is only seen once in a while. In your understanding you can breathe again. You can continue to function as a robot, a slave to a system you had no choice or knowledge of placement, you were just expected to function. An over worked blind machine begging for an apocalypse for maybe then they’ll find peace. But no one ever does anything about the ones who try shot down by their brethren. The idea of revolution is dead and in its place: robots. If there’s a beating human heart out there who knows otherwise then where are you? For I see before me an army just no one to lead them, no cause to persuade their heart, no truth in a world of deception. Tell me where to go, or what to do to be free and I’ll do it. Anything is better than nothing at all.

Festering Wounds

The infections worsened and seemed to take on a life of their own. It was as if I had two separate growths festering under my skin and they found each other and together formed the mother of all things unbearable. Well since these foreign invaders that have burrowed themselves in my life seem to have taken a form and are intent on running things I figured I should probably name them even though I would undoubtedly have to cut them off later and soak them in pesticides. None the less I must name them. Only a woman could be this evil so I'll call you Jezebels I said to the festering puss.

I really liked Jezebels in facts I wanted to keep hers but she kept infecting everyone else with their poison. I tried antibiotics hoping the reduced swelling would reveal something beautiful but it only revealed her ugliest side.... The truth. The truth that I knew all along but refused to accept that beyond the facade of love there was just an endless vacuum sucking the life out of everything and everyone. so I cut it off. It slithered away like a dead baby i didn't have the heart to finish hers off. so I decided to save the pesticide to kill her on another day, perhaps to keep it safe for the inevitable war ahead.

December 1 is World AIDS Day, I stumbled upon this site through a friend, and felt compelled to share a story/memory about someone very special who changed my life.

When I was in Rehab and at my absolute end I had no-one. My family had made it very clear that they wanted nothing to do with me because of my sexuality, my depression and drug use had gotten out of control, and I was going to die, either by an overdose or suicide (after all there had already been so many close calls my luck it seemed would soon run out). On the day that i arrived I was greeted by a woman whose name was Robin. She was in her 40's, and seeing how much younger i was than everyone else took me under her wing, because she knew how twisted some people could sometimes become (being locked inside a house for months on end and coming off of some serious drugs will do that to a person). She helped me in so many ways. She taught me how to forgive, how to love, and most importantly how to find hope in my darkest hours. If it hadn't been for Robin I would have never stopped using and most likely would be buried 6 feet under ground. There were so many times my bags were packed and I was ready to run or my heart was breaking and I just wanted to die, but she was always there, waiting for me by the door with her loving words and healing embrace. Robin was a woman who'd been abused, raped, became a prostitute, a heroin addict, and was then fighting AIDS, she had no one. Her Family had abandoned her and society had disgraced casting her aside to suffer alone, she went through things none of us could ever imagine, even in our darkest most horrific thoughts, but she had more love to give than anyone I've ever met.

After I left the program I frequently would stop by to visit, and catch a meeting. one of those times about two Years ago I stopped by to bring Robin some flowers and a pack of Marlboro Reds (her favorite). Upon walking through the door the attendants informed me she had lost her battle with AIDS. It's hard to even write this with out a few tears, but somewhere out there I know that I have an angel watching over me, and her name is Robin.

LoVe

Love is in your heart no matter how dark you feel
Love is in the streets no matter how dirty they've become
Love is in you eyes no matter how many tears you've cried
Love is in the air no matter how polluted it will be
So put a smile on you face
Forget about the troubles in this place
and love the one your next to
Love is on your blood no matter the color of your skin
Love is in your faith no matter what you call your god
Love is for him and her, her and her, and him and him
Love has no boundaries or borders and is wherever you let it in
so put a smile on your face
Forget about the troubles in this place
and love the one your next to

Love will save you
Love will make you
Love will change you
Love will help you be you